A Colossal Waste
by Ukyou Kuonji
Summary: Nabiki spins a tale about the tragic goings-on... something about Nodoka and Genma's promise, and everything that happened because she held him to it.


(We are sitting on stones surrounding the pond in the Tendo dojo   
compound, watching the koi as they leap into the air and subside   
back into the water. No one seems to be around; it is a peaceful   
scene. Something is obviously amiss.  
  
(And a miss shows up presently, although we don't notice her at first;   
we're still staring at the activity in the pond, and she has arrived   
on the patio, staring out at us. She sets three wooden boxes, each   
about 25cm square, down on the patio with a 'clack'. The noise   
startles us, and we turn to face her. She speaks, grimly, but   
with her ever-present sarcastic tones...)  
  
Nabiki: Come to pay your respects, have you?  
  
-----------------------  
Ukyou Kuonji introduces  
yet another Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
A COLOSSAL WASTE  
  
Ranma 1/2 and all characters therein are the property of Rumiko   
Takahashi, and are being used without permission.  
-----------------------  
  
(Yes, it's Nabiki, the middle Tendo daughter, the financial wizard and   
poker player extraordinaire. And right now, that poker face is on...   
whether there's a game in progress somewhere is another story. She   
notices our confused reaction to her earlier question.)  
  
"You look like you're wondering what's going on, where everyone is.   
Guess you're the only ones from Nerima who haven't heard about it.   
Then again..." (she peers at us more closely) "I can't say as I   
recognize you guys. From out of town, are ya?"  
  
(What choice do we have but the truth? We nod.)  
  
"Figures. You haven't been to the Ucchan or the Neko-Hanten either,   
I take it."  
  
(Nope. Sorry.)  
  
"Well..." (Her eyebrow arches, as if trying to decide whether or   
not to dispense the information everyone around here is apparently   
familiar with, and if so, how much to charge. Her gaze drops to the   
three little wooden boxes as she continues to ponder. Finally...)  
  
"Well, if you stick around long enough, you're bound to find out   
sooner or later. But I'm probably the only one who could tell the   
story without going to pieces about it. I personally can't find it   
in me to be so distraught... I just think of it as a colossal waste.  
  
"Most of this has to do with Mrs. Saotome... seems strange not to   
be calling her 'Auntie' anymore, but...  
  
"Anyway, Ranma finally got tired of hiding from her, and told her the   
truth. Turns out that, for once, his old man" (she moves one of the   
boxes with her toe) "was right. His mom went ballistic. Ordered them   
to go through with the seppuku ceremony immediately.  
  
"Turns out, either she was a good swordsman, or just that furious, but   
when Mr. Saotome balked, she took his head off right then and there.   
One swing! Then she allowed (hunh!) Ranma to go through with the full   
procedure As Honor Demands. Once she lopped off his head, she fell on   
her own sword.  
  
"And that, you might think, was that. Three wasted lives, just like   
that. Though in some respects, it's good riddance to bad rubbish.   
I don't know what Daddy was thinking when he engaged one of us to one   
of the Saotomes... the Saotomes were nothing but poor trash back then,   
and still were once Ranma showed up a couple years back. His dad was   
nothing but a freeloading bum, and his mom... well, let's just say she   
got really scary there at the end. I think she had gone kind of crazy,   
to be honest. As for Ranma, well... he was really good at martial arts,   
and got tons better over time, but you had to wonder what kinda sensei   
he would have been. I already *knew* he was no great shakes with money.   
And even if he'd been good, and the dojo would have done great business   
again, the damage he and his... acquaintances have done to this place   
more than wash out any of the positives his presence might have brought.  
  
"Of course, there were always the cheesecake photos..."   
  
(She looks off into the distance, rather wistfully, Then she shakes   
herself, and sits down on the stoop, next to the three boxes. She   
gestures toward them.)   
  
"Anyway, that's what we've got here. Of course, it isn't the end of   
the story, much as I'd like it to be. There were grief counsellors   
at school the next day or two, help people deal with what happened.   
But nobody went to see them." (She puffs out her chest) "Hey -- we're   
all big, tough martial artists, we can handle this ourselves. So now   
the school wastes their money on this shrink nobody sees.  
  
"Kami knows, some folks could have used the help. Kodachi, in fact,   
poisoned herself the very next day. And about a week later, Tsubasa   
showed up at the dojo, wibbering hysterically. Turns out, Ukyou and   
Konatsu had repeated the Saotome's performance, with Ukyou as Ranma   
and Konatsu as Nodoka. I guess I can half-understand Ukyou, same as   
Kodachi... but Konatsu...? I feel sorry for Ukyou's landlord... he's   
got a hell of a mess to clean up, and who's gonna rent a place where   
the last proprietor committed suicide?  
  
"The Neko-Hanten's boarded up, and no one really wants to find out   
what's happening or has happened there; but nobody's seen hide nor   
hair of Shampoo, Cologne... or Mousse, for that matter."  
  
"So now we got six corpses that *somebody's* gotta deal with. We've   
contacted the Kuonjis... and that wasn't easy, either. Kansai's a   
big place; three or four prefectures, three major cities. Took all   
my contacts a couple days to track 'em down. They've said they'll   
take care of Ukyou and Konatsu. I think they thought the two of them   
were lovers. Naturally, Kodachi's been buried somewhere on the Kuno   
estate. So that leaves us with the Saotomes. And I figured we'd   
spent enough money and effort on them while they lived here, why   
waste that much more on them now? I had 'em cremated, and we're   
gonna put 'em by those flowers by the side of the pond, between   
those two big rocks." (She indicates a spot)  
  
"Daddy and Akane are total wrecks -- what, you didn't think she cared?   
Come *on*. Just because she didn't slit her own throat or something   
like that doesn't mean she didn't love him. She's got more sense than   
that. But she's really hurting. Kasumi's upset, too, but not so's   
you'd notice. Always the strong yet feminine one, after all.   
  
"As for me? I'm just angry. And y'know, I don't even know who to   
be madder at: Mr. Saotome, for making all those stupid promises he   
couldn't possibly keep, Mrs. Saotome, for *holding* him to the worst   
promise of all, *completely* unconcerned about the wider consequenses...   
or Daddy, for bringing Ranma and the heap of trouble and expense that   
went with him down upon us.  
  
Here (she tosses a shovel to each of us), y'might as well get started.   
I'm gonna go take a bath... wash my hands and everything else of those   
idiots. (her voice fades as she walks off to the bathroom) Honor... bah!  
  
(Solemnly, we begin digging. As the Kami leads us, we find ourselves   
wishing the spirits of the unfortunate Saotomes well in whatever the   
afterlife may hold for them. A prayer for Ukyou and Konatsu, and even   
a pleasant wish for Kodachi... may peace attend them as it has not in   
this world.  
  
(A careless followthrough with a shovel upsets one of the boxes. A   
terrific stench envelopes us, and we scramble to return the contents   
to the box, and close the lid. We reach down...  
  
(..and find ourselves shovelling rotten sushi?)  
  
***  
  
(Back inside, Nabiki passes the kitchen, from where Kasumi calls out   
to her.)  
  
Kasumi: Nabiki, did you take care of those boxes of sushi from last   
week's party?  
  
Nabiki: Yeah, I've composted them by the rock garden. So when *are*   
the others getting back from their training trip, anyway?  
  
Kasumi: Father and Uncle Saotome said it would be three weeks that   
they'd be gone.  
  
Nabiki: Fine. So we've got two weeks to get the fellow out to repair   
the refrigerator. They'd be pretty peeved to find out the thing was   
broken and we didn't have any food for them once they got back.  
  
Kasumi: Yes, and we lost a lot as it was, I'm afraid. I already called,   
and they'll be sending someone out on Friday.  
  
Nabiki: April 3, huh? Okay, so... two more days of dried food, or go   
out to the market each day. Oh, well...  
  
========================  
  
Hiya, everyone!  
  
I hope no one got *too* bent outta shape by this little pre-April Fool's   
Day prank. This actually started as a serious worst-case, Shakespearean-  
fifth-act, everybody-winds-up-mincemeat story, but the Grand Guginol that   
Nabiki was describing got both so horrific and yet so predictable that it   
needed something to take the edge offa both. I did think I dropped a   
few hints... 'waste', 'trash', 'rubbish'...  
  
I realize the switch between script and monologue format is a bit abrupt,   
but it seemed a bit awkward to start every paragraph during her narrative   
with "Nabiki: ", since we all *knew* she was doing the talking. Lemme   
know whatcha think: write me at   
  
ukyoukwnji@aol.com   
  
I'll even accept flames... hell, this is as close to an honest-to-Kami   
spamfic I've ever written; I probably deserve all the vitriol y'can   
dish out. Please, no death threats, though... I kill myself in too   
many fanfics as it is, ne?  
  
Itsu mo,  
Ucchan ^_^  
  
Oh, by the way...  
  
Does anybody out there know much about animal husbandry? Specifically,   
the breeding of pigs? I need help researching Akari for an upcoming   
story... let me know if you can...  
  
UK ^_~  
  



End file.
